Hi, I'm your host, Justine Aksoy, and this is The Pleasure Hood Podcast. A podcast where we explore what it means to be a mother, a leader, and a all around badass from a place of pleasure, empowerment, and turn on. I am here to revolutionize how humans experience sex, pleasure, and motherhood by normalizing self-care, normalizing mothers having desires and normalizing mothers e, sensual and sexual beings. Quick side note, you don't have to be a mother. In order to listen to this podcast, though I create my work with mothers in mind, this conversation is truly for everyone. I believe that pleasure is one of many paths of healing, and I'm here to highlight how to walk that path no matter who you are. It is my deepest desire that wherever you find yourself on this amazing journey we call life, you can experience your power, your turn on, and of course, orgasmic pleasure.
Speaker 1 00:01:49
Hello and welcome to another episode of the Pleasure Hood podcast. I am Justine Oxy. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Cannot wait to get into today's episode, but first, I am trying something a little bit new, something I've never tried before. I am actually doing an audio, which I do all the time, and a video, which I never do. I just felt like impromptu trying it out. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't. New setting. I was in Los Angeles. I recently moved to Istanbul Turkey three weeks ago with my family. I actually talk about it in another episode that's all about change and transition. I will link it because if you are going through any major changes or transformations or transitions, I invite you to listen to it. I provide some really amazing insight and how to find the flow and change, which I know isn't easy.
Speaker 1 00:02:55
This trip, like this moving, was planned like six, seven months in advance, and it was still just mind-blowingly difficult and yet expansive in a lot of beautiful ways. So I share that in that episode. Like I said, I will link it below and and also in the show notes, I will link it. And in this episode today we're gonna continue our Body Love series. This is the third episode of the Body Love series. If you are not familiar with the Body Love series, I decided to do a series all about relationship with body, how that improves your self-love, your relational love, how it improves your connection with yourself and your sensuality and your sexuality, and of co, of course your connection to pleasure. But first, before I go into what today is all about, I invite you to go back and listen to episode one, which is all about creating a deep, loving relationship with your body so you can have fulfilling, yummy, juicy sex, whether it's solo or partnered.
Speaker 1 00:04:18
And in the second episode, it's all about how to build communication with your body so you can really listen to it, you can tune into it and fulfill its needs. Our bodies are constantly talking to us, and the real question is, do we listen? And in episode two of the Body Love series, we go into how to really listen to your body. Alright, and with that said, episode three, we're gonna get into it. And it is all about cultivating safety in your body. I feel like this is a subject that we don't really as a society, talk about what it means to feel safe in your body. I feel like safety is often intellectualized. We think of safety as a society. We have a tendency to intellectualize safety. We have a tendency to try and feel safe in our minds, but we never drop that down into what it means to feel safe in our bodies.
Speaker 1 00:05:26
So there's like this disconnect that happens because our mind is saying safety is one thing while our bodies are experiencing safety as something completely different if we're experiencing safety at all. So in today's episode, I really want to kind of break down what it means to physically, emotionally, energetically experience safety in your body and also what that entails and how to get an action around that because it does take some work to build those to basically cult a nerve, a nervous system that can experience safety and experience safety in a way that is grounded inside of the body. And of course, when I approach this conversation of safety, there's so many different forms of safety, right? Like you might find yourself in situations where you physically feel unsafe, you might find yourself in situations where you emotionally feel unsafe, you might find yourself in situations where you environmentally feel unsafe.
Speaker 1 00:06:47
I think where I really want to start at is the root of what does safety mean to you? Defining safety inside of your body for yourself so that when you do find yourself in a situation where you feel unsafe physically, like in your body, physiologically unsafe are steps you can take to kind of figure out what you can do in that particular moment. Of course, it's going to be different for every situation, but for this right now I'm talking about just like every day feeling safe in your body, being able
to walk down the street and experience safety, being in your home and experiencing safety. I know for me that's a really big thing, and it's not because I think that there's going to be bodily harm to me, it's more of like a safety that I feel at home in my body in this new experience and that I trust my body in this new experience and that, yeah, like I can get through this new experience in a way that is going to be expansive and nourishing and I can grow in a really powerful way.
Speaker 1 00:08:10
But first I have to feel safe to experience all those things. So very layered conversation. We're just scratching the surface. There's so many different ways we could approach this, but I'm going to keep it as simplistic as possible because I really want you to get this deeper understanding of what safety means for you and how to move forward when it comes to cultivating safety in your body. So let's get into it. What does it feel like to feel safe in your body? Is a question that many people ask themselves, right? And feeling safe in your body means feeling comfortable, at least for me, confident in your own skin without fear of harm or danger. It means being able to trust your own body and being able to express yourself freely without worrying about how others are going to perceive you. For me, feeling safe in the body can be achieved through a variety of methods such as practicing mindfulness and self-care and also seeking out support.
Speaker 1 00:09:27
So for me, when I don't particularly feel safe, I go and this kind of connects with episode two of the Body Love series of listening to your body. I really tune into how my body is feeling in a certain situation. So that means it could be like going to a new place and really feeling into my body of like, okay, how do I feel right now in this moment? What is coming up for me? What are sensations that I'm experiencing? And then it can be just like a quick environment check to see like where am I? Who am I in space with? And really show, like communicate with my body, like, okay, we can relax, it's gonna be okay. For me, I practice unintentionally, a lot of hypervigilance, especially coming from the us, especially being a black woman, I cannot help but be hypervigilant of my environment.
Speaker 1 00:10:30
Hypervigilance is something that I am very, very much aware of no matter where I go in the US because I need to check in with myself and be like, are you good? Are you feeling safe? And what do you need right now body in this moment to feel safe? Because it's in those moments that we can actually intellectualize safety. Like we can look around and be like, well, of course I'm safe. I'm in a safe environment. There's no one here to cause me harm. At least not that I think of. I for example, like going to the grocery store. Intellectually you can be like, oh, I'm gonna be safe. But bodily experience of safety can be like, oh my gosh, is this person going to follow me as an employee of the store I'm going into gonna follow me? Are they gonna think that I'm stealing something?
Speaker 1 00:11:20
Are they gonna think that I'm suspicious? And then I have to be hypervigilant about how I act and move around and how I'm in space with other people. And do they find me threatening? And if they do find me threatening, are they gonna do anything about that? All these things run through my head, and I'm imagined through other people who might experience hypervigilance, especially if you are an individual of color or culture. And one of the things that I have been intentionally practicing, especially since moving to a new country, a country that I'm very familiar with, my husband's Turkish. And we've moved here. I mean, we visited here so many different times. I'm so aware of culture and just some of the language, but it's still a new experience I've never lived here before, like with my dog and my cat and my baby <laugh> like I've never lived here before.
Speaker 1 00:12:20
So that's a new experience that I'm trying to ground inside my body and define what safety means for me and my body, and really slowly begin to cultivate that inside of my body, which will get into more of that. So I've really had to sit down and be like, what does it mean to feel safe in my body? And it really is a sense of confidence and a sense that I can express myself fully. All the things that I shared with you just a few minutes ago. And I do understand feeling safe is not a one size fits all experience, and it takes a lot of self-compassion and willingness to explore like all these different paths of what it means to experience safety and cultivate safety inside of your body. So how do you create safety is the real question. How do you cultivate safety inside of your body?
Speaker 1 00:13:19
And there are a few things that come up for me around that of cultivating safety inside of the body. And the first thing that comes up for me is knowing that you have boundaries and that you can change your boundaries anytime you want to. So boundaries are not a thing that that's our set in stone. I feel like boundaries can change and shift with the experience that you're in at that moment, whether it be with another person or a certain situation. And you're really looking at what is going to allow me to experience safety with this person in this situation? What's gonna allow me to feel fully self-expressed, to feel seen in this situation? And a big part of that is trusting first of all, and listening to your inner voice and identifying when a boundary truly needs to be put in place. And it can be difficult, especially if it's in a relationship or a friendship, and especially if it's in a relationship, a friendship, a partnership, a experience where you have a a boss where it's like an employee boss situation and you need to hold your ground.
Speaker 1 00:14:53
And there's like a sense of power, like the other person has power, right? And you feel like you have no power in a certain situation. It's really being able to sit down with yourself and be like, what do I need? What do I need in this situation? What do I need from myself? And trust that you have the right answer to hold that space for yourself, to hold that boundary for yourself. And once you're able to identify whether it's like trust has been broken or boundaries have been overstep, and like what you need to do in order to get back into relationship with yourself by creating a boundary with another person, and not just relationship, but right relationship with yourself, because there are so many times where we just overstep our own boundaries time and time again because we're afraid to stand our ground. We're afraid to not people please, or we're afraid that someone's not gonna like us anymore, someone's gonna cut us off or someone's gonna get upset.
Speaker 1 00:16:08
All valid reasons. But let me put it this way, the other day I was doing something and I had this thought of, wow, I've known myself, I think about these things. I've known myself for 38 years. Wow, that's a really long time. I am the longest relationship I've ever had. And sometimes I don't treat myself as such. And I was like, wow, I really should. And it was in that moment where it really clicked of why it's important to put yourself first, because you're the most important relationship, the longest relationship you've ever had with yourself. So it's important for you to be in right relationship with yourself first and foremost because people come and go out of your life, but you, your relationship with yourself remains forever, until death. It really truly is until death to you part with yourself. So when it comes to creating boundaries to not only protect yourself but maintain that right relationship with yourself, it is so important to prioritize your own wellbeing, even if it means disappointing someone else.
Speaker 1 00:17:22
So it's important to first understand what boundary you actually need. And then secondly, it's important to know when to communicate that boundary, the right time to do it. Sometimes there isn't a right time, you have to create the right time, but really being aware of like, all right, this is a time that I need to sit so and so down and explain to them this is a boundary that I need them to uphold and this is why. And you can do it with a lot of love and compassion. You can be assertive and still be loving and compassionate if need be. If it needs to be like just a clear, no, this is not happening anymore, that's fine too. But I invite you to also just really sit with first, all right, what's the boundary? How has it been overstepped? How can this bring me back into right relationship with myself and how do I wanna communicate this with the other person?
Speaker 1 00:18:30
And also another way to exercise your boundary is just by saying, no <laugh>. Like, no, I love that everyone has finally realized that no is a complete sentence. Like you don't need to back it up with no well and no, but and no because like you can just be like, no, thank you. No thank you. I am all good. No, that's it. And I understand that it's easier said and done believe you me, I still find myself saying yes when I actually mean no. And it's really like I just, I give myself a hard time around that. But I'm a recovering people pleaser. I'm the first one to say it. I'm a recovering people pleaser and I'm really trying to find my way and understanding how powerful no is. But I have gotten really, really good at just saying no and just being like, I don't wanna do that.
Speaker 1 00:19:32
Or yeah, I don't wanna show up for this. I don't have the capacity for it. Like I'll say that to myself and then I'll just be like, no, to the other person, or No thank you. No, I can't make it sometimes or No, I'm not available for that. And it feels so good. And so it's just so powerful to be able to say no and really truly mean it and really truly mean it. Which brings me to
understanding what your yes feels like. When we say no to shit that we actually don't want to do, we start to confuse what we actually wanna do. We start to get confused of like, oh wait, maybe I did wanna do that. Or Oh wait, I said yes, but I actually meant no. Or usually it becomes really confusing and unclear of what is truly in alignment with what you actually want to do in life.
Speaker 1 00:20:37
And so the more you practice your no, the more you become clearer with your yes, you begin to pay attention to how you feel when someone asks you a question. And if it feels like relaxing and like easeful and you're like excited, then that's probably more likely than not a yes. And if someone asks you a question, you feel tension and you feel a contraction and you feel uptight about it, I can guarantee you that is a no. Understanding your body signals of what is trying to tell you, like your body, like I said, your body is constantly talking to you. But we do not listen. We just don't listen. We overwrite it time and time and time again. We overstep our own boundaries time and time and time again to a point that we don't know up from down and down from up. And we're just walking around confused, lack of clarity, which causes us to feel chaos and anxiety, which does not create safety inside the body.
Speaker 1 00:21:45
Yes, I am still talking about safety and cultivating safety in your body. These are ways you can create safety in your body. And knowing your yes clearly is one of the biggest ways you can know what you actually want and what makes you feel safe and what makes you feel okay and what makes what you are down for. And I did, I haven't really mentioned this yet, but definitely, definitely sexually definitely, definitely sexually. I think so often we're so out of alignment with what we want sensually and sexually because shame, because of guilt, because of society's standards or what sexuality and sensuality is supposed to be and what it's not that we are often feeling so disconnected from our sense of what creates safety that we find ourselves saying like, I can't tell you how many times I've said yes to dates when I really wanted to say no.
Speaker 1 00:22:57
Sometimes if feel like the safer option, to be completely honest, unfortunately, to say yes to a date or to hang out with someone when I really didn't want to. I've definitely found myself in situations where I was like, oh my God, how do I even get here? And how can I get out of here? Yes, that happens. And I will say, the more that I begin to cultivate my inner no and understand my yes, I was able to really powerfully communicate in some situations like that was not okay. I mean, sorry, mom and sorry dad. But I remember one time I was actually having sex with someone and I didn't feel good about it, and I said, no, and I got up and I left. Thank God it was that easy. But it was just clear to me that I didn't want to be in that situation.
Speaker 1 00:24:10
I didn't wanna be there and I got up and I left. It's a whole nother conversation when it doesn't work out that way for some people. And I acknowledge that, and I want to speak to that and not pretend or bypass that sometimes that it's just that easy and that not, there aren't consequences from choosing powerfully and saying no. So I wanna speak to that. This is my own experience, but it really did feel powerful to be able to do that. And I did honestly have a sense of safety in the situation to be able to do that. So it can get sticky, I'm not gonna lie, especially when it comes to sexual pleasure and sensual pleasure with other people. And I think it's really important to understand first and foremost, before you even enter into partnered sex, like what you are a yes and what you are a no to, and creating those boundaries ahead of time.
Speaker 1 00:25:20
And understanding too, having that conversation, that understanding that those boundaries can be changed if it's consensual and you're both on the same page. I think that's really important to speak to, that cultivating sensual and sexual safety is, especially with another, being another person, it's so important to have the, the tough conversations beforehand if you can. And of course, like I said, it looks different for everyone. And yeah, it's like I said, cultivating safety inside your body is so much easier said than done. I can give you this list of ways to cultivate safety in your body, to build the connection of safety, the experience of safety in your body, and you know, give you examples, but it's really up to you to practice it honestly first in a place where you do feel safe, maybe there is a place where you can sit and be like, oh, this is what safety feels like.
Speaker 1 00:26:42
I used to that actually. I would go for walks and I would be with my body and I would look at the trees and I would look at the people walking by and I'd be like, I feel safe in this moment. This is what safety feels like. This is what safety feels like. So I could be familiar with that feeling because often we're not often, we are in hypervigilance, we could be in a trauma response, we could be in survival mode and safety, feeling of safety is not familiar. The experience of safety is not familiar. So if you can, it can be so powerful to find a space where you do feel peaceful, where you do feel ease, and you can experience what safety feels like in your body, even if, if it's for a second. And you can begin to build on that and begin to grow and expand that feeling inside of your body until it becomes an experience that you can feel in other places and other situations and with other people as well.
Speaker 1 00:28:02
So it's a practice, and practice does not make perfect practice, makes more practice, and practice brings it into the here and now, and practice brings it into reality and practice allows, it allows us to integrate it into our everyday lives. And practice allows us to ground it into the here and now, into our bodies, and we practice to a point of where we are it and we are living it. And honestly, I wanna close with a moment of breathing, of breathing in through your nose as deeply as you possibly can and out through your mouth. And doing this three times and landing in your body am my desire for you. My prayer for you is that you find the experience of peace, that you find the experience of flow, and that you find the experience of ease, and that all these experiences can create the experience of safety inside of your body.
Speaker 1 00:29:32
I wish you that and so much more, and I'm sending you so much love, and I cannot wait to get into the next episode, which will actually close not only the series, but also the Pleasure Hood podcast for season three, which makes me a little sad, but you are in for a treat, and I'll get into that a little bit more. And episode four, where we'll bring all of this yummy, juicy, goodness together from creating a relationship with your body, listening to your body, cultivating safety in your body, and we will talk about how'd you create a ritual for not only self-care, but deep, nourishing and satisfying self-love. So until next time, I'm sending you so much love and I cannot wait to complete this series with you. And yeah, I hope that this episode was nourishing and I hope you got something out of it.
Speaker 1 00:30:56
Thank you for joining another episode of The Pleasure Hood podcast. Catch new episodes every other week on Spotify, YouTube, and Apple Podcasts. The Pleasurehood podcast is now on good pods, and if you're not familiar with Good Pods, it's a podcast centric social network app where you can follow friends, influencers, and of course other podcasters to see which shows and episodes they're listening to and engage with them. Join me on good pods, subscribe, and let's stay connected for more of my musings on pleasure, motherhood, power, and sex, head over to Instagram and follow me at @justineaksoy or @pleasure.hood. And if you are ready to take your Pleasurehood game to the next level, sign up for my newsletter where you'll receive words of love, encouragement, and support. As you take your pleasure, practice a little deeper. You can sign up in the show notes. And that's all for now. Radiant ones. I can't wait to go deeper with you on this path we call pleasure. Until next time, stay wild, sexy, and free.